


Out and About

by notaverse



Series: Transjinder [4]
Category: Johnny's Entertainment, KAT-TUN (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Multi, Transgender, uke!Jin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-09-30
Updated: 2011-09-30
Packaged: 2017-10-24 05:01:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 10,638
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/259289
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notaverse/pseuds/notaverse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kame tries to go out for dinner, gives out advice on his radio show, and takes Jin out to show him what being a fake girl is all about.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Transjinder 4 - Out and About

**Author's Note:**

> **Title:** Out and About  
>  **Fandom:** KAT-TUN  
>  **Pairing:** Kame/Jin  
>  **Rating:** PG  
>  **Genre:** Kind of AU  
>  **Disclaimer:** Not mine, damnit

It's been a long time since Kame last had an actual date. He doesn't count the times he goes out with Jin, because as much as he enjoys them, they're not for him at all. They're for building up Jin's confidence in public and they're a lot of fun - mostly - but every now and then, he feels like going out with someone who might actually like him back. Preferably someone who isn't in the process of coming out. Right now Jin's so mixed up Kame wouldn't feel inclined to believe him even if he swore his undying love.

Since that's not likely to happen, Kame agrees to meet Miyao Shuntaro for dinner. They haven't worked together for a long time, of course, but they still see each other socially. Miyao sent flowers to the theatre for _Dream Boys_ then came to see the show himself - multiple times - declaring he'd been enchanted by the production. Kame's done the musical so many times now he could perform the entire thing in his sleep, but seeing it through a friend's eyes gives him a fresh perspective.

They go to a French restaurant so Miyao can show off, and he teaches Kame odd words to use if he ever makes it to France again. They swap funny stories and catch up on each other's lives over the duration of a three-course meal, the cost of which they'll split, and Kame tries to figure out if Miyao's kidding every time he refers to it as a date. He has, after all, openly declared his love for Kame on television. (Then again, so has Koki, and nothing's come of that except some fanservice-heavy photoshoots.) The tall, graceful ballet dancer routinely becomes a klutz in the presence of top idol, Kamenashi Kazuya, and makes no secret of his adoration.

Kame's not sure if Miyao knows about him, or indeed what it means for their friendship if he does, but it's sort of nice to be courted even if he doesn't know if it's going anywhere, and he could do a lot worse. In the unlikely event that he doesn't have work at Christmas, he thinks they could have quite a nice Christmas date together. It's only a few months away now.

Jin's out with friends tonight; Kame had been invited but declined, explaining about his own evening out.

He realises telling Jin the name of the restaurant was a mistake when he shows up halfway through the chocolate mousse, waving a rolled up magazine and looking like he's about to kill someone. Miyao pretends to hide behind his serviette. Kame sighs and takes the magazine away before Jin knocks over the candle.

It turns out to be a copy of _Freecell_.

"Weren't you going out with Ryo and the others tonight?" he says, setting the magazine down on the table and noting that it's the issue for which he and Jin did a shoot not so long ago.

"I was. I did. But then-" Jin stops, taking in the scene he's just interrupted. At least he has the decency to look embarrassed. "Can I borrow you for a minute?"

Kame excuses himself with a heartfelt apology, prompting Jin to apologise too, and they retreat to the small balcony for a word. It's a cool night; they're the only people braving it for privacy. Kame's jacket is still inside; he hopes this won't take long.

"I hope you didn't come all the way over here to bring me a copy of the magazine," he says. "I've got one at home."

Jin curls his hands into his jacket sleeves for warmth. "So you've seen it?"

"Skimmed it. We look pretty good. You didn't take it out to show your friends, did you?"

"Are you crazy?"

"No, I'm cold and missing my dessert, so would you like to get to the point any time soon?" Kame doesn't mean to sound crabby but Jin's timing is appalling.

" _They_ showed _me_ ," Jin says, voice tight with irritation. "Yamapi's working tonight or he'd have been there to bail me out. Kusano and Yuu think the pictures are hilarious and we won't even get into what Josh thinks. My name is going to be mud all over Facebook."

"Would that be the Facebook you're not supposed to have, that you keep locked up tighter than a bank vault?" Kame rubs his hands together, trying to warm them. "They'll make your life hell for a couple of days and forget about the whole thing. You guys have always made fun of each other; you'll get over it."

"That's not the problem; I can handle the teasing."

"And the thing you can't handle is?"

Jin looks up at the stars, hazy through the bright city lights. "Ryo following me into the men's room to ask if the clothing and stuff was just for the photoshoot or if there was anything going on that he should know about."

"Ah." That would certainly explain Jin's agitation. "I did wonder if the rest of your friends were ever going to catch on."

"They only see me like that on TV or in magazines, though - not when I'm with them - so they think it's just work."

"What made him think it's anything else this time?" Kame says, curious as to why Ryo should've noticed any difference.

"Apparently I looked _comfortable_." Jin snorts. "Real comfortable with bricks digging into my back."

Kame doesn't have to be psychic to know that his evening has just been derailed. "Did you tell him anything?"

"I don't...I don't want them to think badly of me." Jin turns defeated eyes on him. "I know I'm not supposed to feel ashamed - I get that, I really do - but it's so hard to just tell anyone."

"I know." Kame's familiar with that feeling.

"Does it ever get easier?"

Kame shrugs. "I think it's probably different for everyone, Jin. I'm not an expert."

"You're the closest thing I've got to one," Jin says. "If you hadn't got me talking about it when you did, I think I'd have lost my mind by now. Be locked up in an institution somewhere, raving about hairpins and handbags."

In a way, Kame finds it flattering that Jin's relying on him, trusting him to steer them both through this storm and bring them safely into calmer waters. On the other hand, it's worrying too. They have a lot in common but for every experience they share, there are a dozen that don't relate, and Kame's not arrogant enough to think he's any kind of expert.

"Don't take my word as gospel, okay? I'm in the dark too, it's just that I've got a little torch."

"And I'm trying to see by starlight," Jin says. "You're still the only person I can really talk to about all this."

Kame likes being dependable, but he's very conscious that he might not necessarily be the most objective source of help for Jin. "I think maybe you should try talking to other people too."

"I'm not talking to any doctors."

"I didn't mean doctors. Unless you decide you want to make physical changes or you think you'd benefit from talking to a psychiatrist, I don't see the point.

"I mean your _friends_. Your family. The people who love you no matter what. That's a lot of people, Jin. If they know what's going on with you they're a lot less likely to hassle you over it. Maybe then you'll feel more comfortable and I can finish my meal in peace."

"Sorry about that." Jin gives him a guilty smile. "I'll go home and leave you to your...date."

He heads back inside before Kame can ask what happened with Ryo. It's nice to go back into the warmth but Jin's clearly on edge, and matters aren't helped when they return to their table to find Miyao leafing through the abandoned magazine. Kame starts to apologise again but Miyao says he's taken care of the bill and Kame can pay next time, before politely excusing himself on the grounds that he has a slight headache. He nods at Jin on his way out; Kame rates a smile, at least.

The chocolate mousse is still there in Kame's dish but somehow it's lost its appeal. (He pretends not to notice Jin stealing a spoonful while he dons his jacket.) He picks up the magazine, not wanting to leave it for the staff to dispose of, and notices that it's open on one of the pictures he never thought would make it in - he and Jin with their arms around each other, grinning like mad and making peace signs for the camera. It's a silly picture, not suited to a fashion magazine at all, but of all the photos from the shoot Kame likes it best.

"I'm sorry about your date," Jin says when they leave to flag down a taxi. He sounds like he means it, too.

Kame hits him over the head with the magazine. "I'm not even certain it _was_ a date."

\-----

Two days later Kame finally finds out what happened before Jin showed up at the restaurant, and it doesn't come from Jin. It comes from Yamapi, who got it from Ryo, who is at a complete loss as to why one of his best friends suddenly took off rather than talk to him (though he appreciates that he could've picked a better setting for it). Ryo's bark is worse than his bite; for all his caustic humour, Kame knows he genuinely loves and worries about Jin.

"Jin walked out," Yamapi says on the phone. "And now he's not answering his messages. Ryo tried to call him twice, couldn't make him answer, and stopped because he didn't want to look desperate. Now he's bugging me instead. Help?"

"Jin didn't say anything at all?"

"Ryo says he clammed up and took off."

"He can't keep running forever." And Kame can't keep intervening forever, either. "I think you should get them together and make Jin talk."

"Me?" Yamapi sounds dubious. "I'm not even sure about it myself. Wouldn't it be better if you did it?"

Kame figures he has to make a stand sometime, and now might as well be it. "I think Ryo will probably have an easier time getting to grips with it if he sees you have, and Jin needs to see that too. I can't always be there; he's got to be able to feel comfortable around more people or it's going to drive us both crazy."

As much as Kame hates delegating anything, he knows it's the right thing to do this time. Yamapi's still not convinced but he says he'll try, and the next Kame hears of it is the following weekend, when he gets a mail from Jin.

 _Ryo says I'd just barely be 15/100 in a dress._

 _I should send him that picture I took when we went out for your birthday,_ Kame writes back. _He'd see how wrong he is then._

 _Try it and I'll stab you through the heart with a stiletto heel,_ Jin threatens.

Yamapi tells Kame afterwards that he and Ryo are more or less in the same place - wanting to support Jin, but not really knowing how, and still not quite sure how to wrap their heads around the idea that their friend has somehow grown up different from them. It makes Kame wonder if maybe he's the odd one out, if it's strange to accept all this as readily as he has. He doesn't like having to question himself again - he thought he was past that, years ago - but there's no denying that he's taken this far better than anyone else (save Jin's mother, who has always been the exception to every rule).

Is he doing the right thing, encouraging Jin like this? It's worked out all right so far, albeit with a few mishaps along the way, but is it really what's best for him? Kame hasn't even stopped to think about the consequences. Jin's always said he wants to get married and have kids, but how's that going to work out now if he doesn't even feel comfortable dating anymore?

The problem is, Kame's not sure how to look at it from the other side. He's been so focussed on moving forward, allowing himself to act freely without the chains of his former cares and fears, that he doesn't even know how to take a step back. He doesn't want to be that person again.

\-----

The opportunity to consider things from a more objective angle arrives one afternoon when Kame's recording his radio show. _K's by K's_ receives a number of emails that he's not allowed to respond to - many of them marriage proposals, which get deleted immediately. At the beginning the staff would pick and choose, but Kame does it himself now and while he tries not to select anything that's liable to get his show cancelled, he has been picking things that have a little more depth lately - problems with no easy answer.

Today he chooses to phone a woman who's written in about her teenage son. He's not even sure what to say to her, but the subject's particularly close to his heart right now and he hopes that maybe he'll be able to do some good. The woman, who gives her name only as 'Reiya', has a moment of disbelief when Kame identifies himself and asks if she's free to talk to 'Kamensellor Kazuya'. Her son is a high-school student and currently in class, so he's not around to hear the conversation, and once she recovers from the shock of receiving a call from Kame she explains why she wrote to his show.

 **Reiya:** My son is seventeen, and a big fan of Kamenashi-kun. Lots of boys like to copy your style; he tries to wear clothing like you, and paints his nails, and he even pierced his ear because you wear an earring,

 **Kame:** Lots of high-school students like to experiment with fashion; it's a good time for them to find out what they like while they're still safely at home and have families who can offer them support and guidance.

 **R:** I try not to let him go out of the house in anything too outrageous, but he's been wearing make-up all the time lately, and a couple of times I've caught him trying on his sister's skirts. He's always been a shy, quiet boy, more interested in studying than sports, but he seems a lot livelier when he's...

 **K:** Isn't that a good thing, if it's making him feel more confident?

 **R:** I don't know. I can't tell if he's going through a phase that he'll outgrow, or if he's going to be like this forever. I worry about him. He's my son; I don't want people to laugh at him.

 **K:** Have you tried talking to your son about it?

 **R:** I'm not sure how to. If he's just playing around, I don't want to make him self-conscious. If it's something more serious...I don't even know where to start. What if he wants to become a girl?

*long pause*

 **K:** Unless he tells you, you'll never know - I think that you should approach your son, try to get him to talk about it. Once you know what he wants you can start to think about the next steps together. Either way, I'm sure your support would be helpful for him.

 **R:** Johnny's talents wear make-up a lot, don't they? And have to dress up as girls sometimes. What do your parents think about it?

 **K:** Most of the make-up is for work; there aren't so many who wear it when they're not on the stage or in front of a camera but even so, it's become more common for guys to look after their skin. Even my father uses moisturiser now.

 **R:** But what about dressing up like a schoolgirl? Your father doesn't do that too, does he?

 **K:** *laughs* I think he's a little too old to make a cute schoolgirl. But if he wanted to do it, I'd be okay with that.

 **R:** But isn't it strange, dressing up like that?

 **K:** It can be. The first time I had to do it for work, it was embarrassing but we had to do it for comedy. Generally, people will accept a lot of things in the name of entertainment that they don't otherwise approve of, and if you can keep it in perspective, and you have a good grasp of who you are, then it might not affect you much. But if you're not sure of yourself, then it can leave you feeling confused, or maybe like you've found something you didn't even realise you were missing. Growing up is tough enough as it is without having to worry about whether or not you feel like you're the gender everyone thinks you are. There's not a lot of support for kids like that, so that's why it's very important for them to have someone they can talk to.

 **R:** You seem like someone with a strong sense of self. Does it affect you when you have to play a girl's part on television?

 **K:** Not anymore. It's work for me, and just because my work involves entertaining people rather than saving lives or crunching numbers doesn't make it any less valid. I try to always enjoy my job, but when I finish work for the day it's not a problem for me to set it aside.

The staff are making frantic "time" gestures, and Kame realises that if he keeps making speeches, he'll go past the end of the show.

 **K:** Reiya-san, I'm sorry but we're out of time for today. Please talk to your son and find out how he feels; I think that's the best place to start.

 **R:** Kamenashi-kun, thank you very much for the call. I feel like you've given me a lot to think about.

Kame gives her his standard speech about contacting him again if there's any progress - some people do, some people don't, but he's always interested to hear - and wraps things up with a song from The Youngbloods. It feels like a good day to play songs about peace, love and brotherhood.

Jin phones him up the morning after the show airs and says, "You realise you're on your way to becoming a role model for queer kids all over the country? Your manager's going to kill you."

"If it means I can open people's eyes a little, I'm all for it." Kame laughs and adds, "I'm surprised they even aired that part of the show. Maybe next time I'll call up the guy who's in love with the captain of his kendo club. He seemed like he could do with some reassurance."

"You get emails like that?"

"I get all sorts," Kame says. "People write to tell me good news, to recommend music, to wish me luck or offer advice on things - I even got this one about vuvuzelas, but I don't really know how to respond to that. But a lot of the mails are asking for advice, so I try to pick the ones where it seems like I might be able to help."

"Well, I think you're doing a good job," Jin says, and warmth spreads outwards from Kame's heart to every cell of his body.

Unexpectedly, there are no disappointed phone calls from his manager lamenting his inability to shy away from difficult topics. He thinks maybe they've given up on him. He's had a lot more freedom to do the things he wants since Jin's departure, and wonders if it's the agency's way of making it up to them. If Jin can go on MTV in America, Kame can become a baseball supporter. He figures he should've known, after the time he made that call to a girl with a crush on her female school friend and didn't catch any heat for it, that he's being given more leeway.

That means he might be in a position to do some real good after all.

\-----

Kame stops by Jin's apartment one night to return a scarf and finds him watching old _Shounen Club_ clips on the Internet. Not ones of himself, which would be too mortifying to contemplate, but an unfortunate game in which Kame pretends to be Kazuko-chan, girlfriend to multiple Juniors.

"You're good," Jin says, appraising him with a professional eye. "You've got all the mannerisms down, all the fake cuteness in the voice - you're overdoing it just like the real girls do."

Confused, Kame watches himself run away from Tamamori on the screen. "Was that supposed to be a compliment?"

"Depends if that's what you want to hear or not." Jin closes the tab. "How do you learn that stuff? It's not like you've got sisters."

"Nakamaru has and it doesn't help him any," Kame points out. "Besides, I didn't learn from watching real girls."

Jin gives him a sharp look. "Please tell me you didn't learn from watching me."

"Don't flatter yourself. It looks more natural on you, anyway. Have you ever watched yourself around Kobayashi-san? You look like a shy debutante at her first society party, making eyes at all the older men."

"He's not exactly my type," Jin says; it's on the tip of Kame's tongue to ask him what his type _is_ , but he refrains, because that's probably a bad conversation to have with Jin right now. "So where did you pick it up? Or did you just spend hours in front of the mirror, trying to replace the baseball boy with the too-cute-to-be-true girl?"

A slightly sadistic idea pops into Kame's mind. "I could show you, if you want. Are you busy tonight?"

"If I say I'm not, what are you going to make me do?"

Jin's wise to be suspicious. Kame grins. "Nothing weird, I promise. I'm just going to take you to a bar to have a couple of drinks, that's all. You don't even have to dress up unless you want to."

"Should I? Where are we going?"

"You'll see. Train or taxi? Your choice." Taxi drivers are somewhat wary of Kame these days, but it's early enough that the ones who drive straight past him won't be around yet.

"You're not driving?"

"I want a few drinks myself."

"Then I'll drive and you can just direct me to wherever it is we're going." Jin licks his lips nervously and Kame realises that he hasn't given him enough information to let him know it's okay to go out without the safety net that the car represents.

"It's a bar in Ni-chome," he says. "Not one of the tiny specialised places; not that big, either, but enough that they'll accept most people, even foreigners."

"You want to take me to a gay bar?"

Kame's not sure how to classify Jin's facial expression. It's a cross between curiosity, trepidation, and the terror experienced by a man about to be thrown into a pool of piranhas. "Not so men can hit on you. A lot of transvestites hang out there too, most of whom will have no interest in you whatsoever, and that's why we're going. You want to know how I learned to play a girl caricature? From men who do it every night.

"And you're not going to get parking anywhere near; we might as well walk from the station. I promise not to make you stay all night, okay? When you want to leave, we'll leave."

"Okay." Jin sounds less than enthused by the prospect. "I guess it won't kill me to take a taxi."

Safer than a train, at any rate, because if one of them's spotted in a carriage it causes a stir. If the two of them are spotted together, chaos ensues, blogs are shut down, pictures are either deleted or leaked depending on the agency's wishes, and they get advised to stay away from each other in public again.

Jin doesn't feel like dressing up so they go just as they are, plainly attired in jeans, jerseys and warm jackets - no make-up. Kame says it won't be a problem. He sits in the back with Jin, watching him tense up as they approach their destination. That's unavoidable.

They end up near Shinjuku station anyway, because it's easier than trying to get the driver to find the right place and the walk's not far. It gives Jin time to calm down, to feel the night breeze on his face before plunging straight into unfamiliar territory. His usual haunts are in Roppongi and Shibuya but he goes where his friends go, and generally, his friends don't go here.

Except Kame, of course. He leads Jin through dark, mysterious streets to a set of small double doors topped with a rainbow and 'Niji' written in bright letters.

"I had no idea Arashi were running a bar on the side," Jin says, completely straightfaced. "Do I have to look happy?"

"Try not looking like a kid gawking at a circus sideshow, for starters." Kame pushes open the door. "They don't charge admission but if you don't pay for at least a couple of drinks, you're not going to be very popular with Mama-san. And she'll know, believe me."

He likes _Niji_ because it's as colourful as its name suggests. Not in décor, because he's seen far more exotic things in some of the smaller bars and clubs he's visited (most of which he only stayed in long enough to be sure they catered to tastes he was _never_ going to develop) but in clientele. Men, women, and all manner of outlandishly-dressed creatures who settle neatly into neither category sit at the small, cosy tables and along the blue-lit bar. It's not a meat market, and he'd never have brought Jin if it was, but there's nothing to stop people flitting around, getting to know each other, and it's a room of brightly-coloured butterflies mixed with darker, more sedate moths. The music's low and calming, keeping the drinkers relaxed and soothing away the week's cares.

"Kame-chan!" the proprietress coos from behind the bar. "Where _have_ you been hiding yourself? Come greet me properly."

Kame grins and heads to the bar, tugging Jin's sleeve to make him follow. "Mama-san, it's been a long time." She presents her cheek for him to kiss, so he does, tactfully not wincing at the slight scrape of stubble against his lips. The long blond wig is curled to perfection but the make-up's on the gaudy side, lipstick as red as blood and eyeshadow dark and heavy.

"Far too long, but if this is how you've been entertaining yourself I can see why you haven't been around for a while." She flashes Jin an approving smile. "Word of advice, honey. Better close that mouth unless you want someone to come along and put something in it."

Jin stops gaping immediately and looks about him in alarm. Kame thinks it's high time they both had a drink. _Niji_ doesn't have a bottle-keep system but they've always got something to his taste, mostly in the wine line, and unsurprisingly they offer an excellent range of fruity cocktails. It's easy enough for Jin to order himself something containing more vodka than is probably wise, and settle down with Kame and his glass of red wine at the end of the bar.

"A comedian friend brought me here years ago," Kame says when they're both parked on stools. "Both of us dressed up like women. He wanted to give one of his skit characters a test run."

"Who was it?"

"Can't tell you that, can I? That's what I like about this place - I can say what I want and it never goes any further. I can relax here."

"I'm not sure I can." Jin sweeps the room with his eyes, checking out the other patrons. "Hey, isn't that-"

"It is," Kame cuts him off, "but don't go over there unless you want to get snapped at. He's always in a bad mood when he wears those heels."

Jin accepts Kame's greater experience in this arena and sips his drink, still staring but making an effort to be more discreet about it by hiding behind his bangs. Kame can feel himself relaxing already. He can take the night off, not worry about whether or not Jin's going to be spotted in make-up, and forget that he actually brought him to the bar in the first place for educational purposes. They're out together, just the two of them, and that, Kame decides, deserves another glass of wine.

Or possibly three. As he works his way through the contents of a bottle whose price would make his mother weep, he starts pointing out to Jin some of the little gestures and tricks he's picked up from hanging out at _Niji_.

"See the guy in the green dress, the one ordering a drink right now? Watch how he's standing with his hands on his hips. What do you notice about his hands?"

"That he wears more bling than Koki?"

Kame giggles. The wine must be starting to get to him because that wasn't even funny. "Try again. How is he holding himself?"

"He's...um..." Jin stares for a moment. "His hands are pretty far back, so he's pushing his hips forward."

"Right. Stand up and put your hands on your hips, just naturally."

Jin does, and he gasps when he looks down at himself and realises that he automatically does the same thing.

"It's not like any of us really need to show off childbearing hips," Kame says. "But the same gesture works for men - to show off other things. It's all about putting the little things together to make one pretty package, rather than having a single feminine characteristic."

He knows Jin will be paranoid about it for the rest of the week, now, so he orders him another drink to help him get over it and searches for another example.

"The guy who keeps adjusting his orange wig - watch his hands and tell me what you notice."

"I never knew you had such a hand fetish, Kame." Jin watches for a minute before responding. "I don't know what you want me to see but I don't think I'm getting it."

"Then watch me." Kame tucks his hair behind his ear, using only his thumb so the rest of his hand skims over the hair. Then he shakes it back into place and does it a second time, this time using his entire hand and adding an extra curling motion around the ear. "Which looks cutest?"

"The second way."

"And how do you do it?"

Jin tries it for himself, then does it again. "Uh...the second way."

Kame smiles, immensely pleased with how well this evening is proving his point. Jin doesn't seem to be as thrilled by it, though.

"Are you trying to say I'm innately girly?"

"Maybe you just got it trained into you by work," Kame says. "Either way, isn't it a good thing for you? Take a look at most of the guys in the room and then look at yourself. See the difference?"

"Most of them don't look even remotely feminine."

"Most people aren't born with your pretty face," Kame says. "And the people in this bar, they're exaggerating, playing up to compensate. That's why it looks much more natural on you."

"I need another drink."

"Your turn to pay," Kame says.

They both have another. Ordinarily, Kame would try not to drink too much around Jin for fear of saying something he shouldn't, because he has no control of his tongue while drunk, but he knows from experience that both of them turn into kissing monsters when intoxicated and Jin's very good about writing off awkward drunken moments as nothing more than that. If they're both drinking, it's okay.

Of course, the more Kame has to drink, the more fired up he becomes. "I should get you on my radio show! We can do a special on make-up tips for boys and why it's okay if you don't like girls."

"Hear hear!" Mama-san cries.

"But I do like girls," Jin says. "And if you do a show like that they'll never let you on the radio again."

Clearly, Jin hasn't had enough vodka to allow him to appreciate the magnificence of Kame's idea. He seizes Jin's hand and squeezes the fingers as he speaks. "I like 'Girls' too - it's a great song, we can play it on the show - but I think it's about time we did the other side. We can write it, you, me and Ueda. 'Boys', by KAU."

" _Kau_ ," Jin says in Japanese, then translates to English. "Buy? You want us all to be 'buy'?"

"We should all be bi!" says the man in the green dress, who is now on the stool next to Jin. "It makes life more interesting!"

Jin shuffles his stool closer to Kame's end of the bar, not deigning to reply. He has to move it with his legs, though, because Kame's still got a deathgrip on one of his hands and the other is clutching a glass.

"See? It's a great idea." Kame blinks away the extra Jin in his line of sight. "We can teach everyone that you can't just put people in boxes - and if you're put in one, you don't have to stay there."

"Nobody's putting me in a box," Jin says firmly. "Never again; not after _Yuukan Club_. I only do flaming coffins now."

"And we can make sure people know it's totally okay to be a gay vampire."

"That wasn't what I..." Jin drifts off, slumping against the bar with the boneless ease of the half-soused, the rest of his sentence less important than keeping himself upright on the stool.

Kame leans back with him, still holding his hand. He's got enough awareness left to know that now he's done making speeches, he should probably let go - but also enough to know that he doesn't want to. Jin's not fighting him, not pulling his hand away, and Kame intends to hold on as long as he can.

He points out more quirks as they continue to drink. Cocking the head at just the right angle to look cute rather than silly, sitting with hands crossed at the wrist, smiles both shy and coquettish, the killer pout, idle hair-twirling - and of course something Jin does on a regular basis, talking with his hands in front of his mouth. The people around them occasionally stop to eavesdrop and add in comments of their own.

"I've never been any good at that stuff," says an extremely butch-looking woman - one of the few real women in the bar. "I can't do 'cute' to save my life - I leave that to my boyfriend."

"Try cat impersonations," says the guy in the orange wig. "You can't help looking cute when you say 'nya', and my baby girl finds it hilarious."

He and the woman drift away to discuss cute tactics, and Jin leans across to ask Kame, "Is it safe to use the bathroom here?"

"Here? Yeah. Next door? Definitely not." When Jin doesn't pull away Kame adds, "What, you want me to go with you? We spend too much time hanging out in bathrooms, Akanishi. I don't want that to be 'our place'."

Affronted, Jin tugs his hand free and stalks off towards the glowing neon sign, which has male, female and question mark symbols on it. Kame turns back to the bar to polish off the rest of his glass and talk shop with Mama-san for a bit. His mouth and brain don't seem to be connecting that well right now, so he's not sure that what he's thinking and what he's saying are the same thing, but the conversation goes okay and it's not until she turns away to pour drinks at the other end of the bar that he realises Jin hasn't returned.

He stands up, steadying himself with a hand on the bar, but there's no need to embark on a rescue mission. Jin's speaking to a couple of statuesque blondes over in the corner. One of them takes a notebook and pen from her handbag and gives them to Jin, who writes something then hands them back.

"Don't tell me you're giving out your number," Kame teases when he returns to his seat.

"Not my number." Jin scratches the back of his neck. "Um, can we go now?"

"Already? But we just got here." Or so Kame thinks until he remembers that he's on his second bottle of wine. "Did something happen?"

"No."

"Jin, seriously." Kame tries to clear his head enough to take a good look at Jin, which is no mean feat. He doesn't seem like he's on the verge of bolting, which means he probably hasn't had any unexpected close encounters in the bathroom, but he's definitely unsettled. "We can go, but if someone here has upset you, I need to know about it."

"I just...I don't belong here, okay? The guy I was talking to, he asked me for an autograph, said it would make his twelve year-old daughter very happy. I said as long as he didn't tell her where he met me. She knows all about him, thinks it's a great game to help him pick out new dresses.

"These are people with _families_ , Kame. Men with wives and kids, women with boyfriends and girlfriends and who knows what else. They've got people who know who they are and accept it."

The more despairing Jin's speech becomes, the brighter his eyes shine, and Kame's heart breaks for him.

"I don't...I don't have anyone like that. I want to have kids someday, to have a family, and I don't see any way I can do that. Not as I am now."

"You're still young; you've got plenty of time for it to happen," Kame says, desperate to give Jin back his hope because it's not right that after he's come so far, he's knocked back down by something like this. Empathy dulls the alcohol's effects, briefly lending him clarity. "You don't come to terms with something like this overnight, Jin. Don't give up just because you're feeling discouraged right now."

It's as much as he can do to keep from saying that Jin's always got _him_. He can't control himself totally, though, and tries for a comforting hug.

When he ends up sprawled on the floor he realises that perhaps doing anything that involves movement is a bad idea.

Jin laughs, his own problems momentarily forgotten, and bends down to help him to his feet. "I think you've had enough. Can you stand up long enough for me to get us a taxi?"

"Sure," Kame says, right before he slides back down to the floor.

Taxis are out. Jin phones Koki for a ride and Kame drifts off in the back, not remembering much about staggering out the bar except the feel of Jin's arm supporting him. At least he didn't have to fall off a stage this time.

"How many did he have?" Koki asks when they pull up outside Kame's building.

"Glasses or bottles?" Jin says.

"On second thought, I don't need to hear. You going to be okay getting him inside?"

"I can walk," Kame says blearily. "We're going to manage just fine, aren't we, Jin?" He's not sure he manages to convince anyone of this, though, when he cracks his head on the frame as he exits the car.

"You're staying with him, right?" Koki says.

Jin nods. "He'd probably burn the place down by accident if I left him alone."

"You don't look much better off."

But Koki leaves them to it when Jin proves he can stand upright for both of them, if need be. Riding in the lift does interesting things to Kame's stomach and Jin gives him wary looks all the way up, like Kame's going to throw up on his soft suede boots. He's not, because he's Kamenashi Kazuya and he has way more control than that, but it's still a relief to both of them when Jin finds the keys in Kame's pocket and unlocks the door.

They manage to remove their shoes and jackets without crashing into anything, though Kame almost overbalances once, and Jin's hands shake as he pours them both large glasses of water. Kame crashes on the couch to drink his and spills a little down his chin. Doesn't matter; it's only water. He can barely feel it anyway. It's nice to sit down on something with a back, and it's better still when Jin sits beside him, eyes hazy but not completely out of it.

"I wouldn't want to be you in the morning," Jin says.

Kame gives him a self-assured smile. "I'll be fine after some sleep; you'll see."

"You probably will, and I'll be the one who can't even move till lunchtime." Jin downs the last of his water. "Always the way."

"If you can't move till lunch, you'd better stay in the bed, then." Kame's lips are growing numb. So's his brain. "There's room."

"You'll fall off the couch." Jin takes Kame's glass, sets it down safely on the table. "You take the bed."

"I meant there's room for both of us."

Jin shakes his head. "Uh uh. I'll make up the couch for myself. You're going to bed while you're still conscious."

"Why?" Kame doesn't understand. "We shared a bed before. No big deal, right? Mine's got just as much room as yours, and my carpet's nicer."

"Your carpet costs a fortune - of course it's nicer. Bed. Now."

"Yes, sir."

Kame giggles and pushes himself to his feet, launching himself in the direction of his bedroom. Jin exhales heavily and rises to find the spare bedding, but Kame catches hold of his snowflake-patterned sleeve and pulls him along, dragging him through the door. It's not as if Jin puts up much resistance, letting himself be drawn towards the bed. Not until Kame tries to give him a gentle nudge onto it and he tugs his sleeve free.

"I'm sleeping on the couch. Goodnight, Kame."

He tries to leave. Kame blocks his path, holding his arms wide to form a barrier. "You didn't mind last time. What's the difference?"

"Because now..." Jin runs his hands through his hair, pushing it back from his face. "Look, that was different. I didn't try to scrape half the flesh from my arms tonight."

Wine notwithstanding, there are some things Kame can't help but see clear as daylight. "No," he says quietly. "You did. It just wasn't physical. I didn't think about what it would be like in there for you, and I'm sorry for that."

Jin tries to shrug it off. "No problem. But next time you go, it'll be without me. Sorry, but I don't fit in there. I don't...I don't fit in anywhere."

Water and wine are both distant memories; Kame's mouth feels as dry as if he's had nothing to drink for a week. But that doesn't stop him from putting it to good use, taking all the feelings he's been storing up for years and condensing them into this one intense moment. It's a chance he's not likely to get again. Jin will chalk it up to the alcohol, he's certain - won't even mention it when they're both sober because as far as he's concerned, it will never have happened. He'll forget in time - but Kame won't.

"You're wrong. You fit right here." Kame finally lowers his arms, but only as far as Jin's waist. Jin tenses at the touch, because Kame's still on the woozy side and his aim's kind of sloppy, but he allows himself to be drawn in, till they're chest to chest and one of Kame's hands rests gently against the back of his head while the other settles between his shoulderblades.

"Here?" Jin says.

It should be more awkward than this, Kame thinks. The height difference isn't much of an issue and Jin looks more confused than annoyed, but there's something else in his eyes and Kame can feel it, too, in the way Jin's hands clutch his hips like a lifeline, unwilling to let him change his mind. It's anticipation he feels, bringing faint hope with it.

"And here too," Kame says, right before he tilts his head up to meet Jin's lips with his own.


	2. Transjinder 4.5 - Or Something Like It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Takes place during the fourth story in the series, Out and About, so think of this as #transjinder 4.5. Following Kame's advice, Yamapi gets Jin and Ryo together to talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Title:** Or Something Like It  
>  **Fandom:** KAT-TUN / NEWS  
>  **Characters:** Jin, Yamapi, Ryo  
>  **Rating:** PG  
>  **Genre:** Kind of AU  
>  **Disclaimer:** Not mine, damnit

Jin knows he can't avoid it forever. Running out on Ryo was only going to make it harder - and the fact that he'd run straight to Kame probably hadn't helped. If only they hadn't done that stupid _Freecell_ spread.

He's lucky Kame's not mad at him for interrupting his date. If it even was a date. Jin figures if Kame himself isn't sure, it couldn't have been.

And now he's stuck in limbo, avoiding Ryo's calls and hoping he'll miraculously forget about it all so things can get back to normal. Jin hadn't even planned how to tell Ryo or his other friends - but under the harsh lights of a dirty nightclub bathroom wouldn't have been his first choice.

When Yamapi calls, Jin knows the choice is no longer his. He doesn't say Ryo's going to be there but it's obvious when Pi doesn't even bother to make up an excuse. No video game tournaments, no movie marathons, no songwriting sessions, just a vague intimation that Jin might like to come over and hang out this evening. Equally vague, Jin says he _might_ show up, and spends the rest of the day trying not to let the apprehension show on his face at work. The last thing he wants is to look terrified in ViVi. He can't even bring himself to make his usual request to the editor to put him on the cover. It's reserved for girls, after all, and he thinks that with the way his luck is going, it's just possible that this time, someone will decide to grant his request.

Going to Yamapi's place doesn't normally require him to psych himself up at the front door. They haven't lived together for ages, of course, and they've both moved since then, but to Jin, his best friend's home always feels like his own. They're each other's family - even their families are family - and Jin's never been a stranger here. He knows where the glasses are and where to find the clean towels; he's even got a spare toothbrush lying in the back of the bathroom cabinet, for those mornings after nights where it's too much effort to drag himself home.

Tonight it's as if he's walking through the front door for the first time in his life. Ryo's already there, sitting on the floor with his back against the couch, open beer in hand. There's a bowl of tortillas on the coffee table, a tray of dips beside it, and enough crumbs to suggest this party got started a while ago.

A dozen excuses run through Jin's head, none of them particularly believable. Yamapi grabs his hand and wraps it around a bottle and suddenly that's it, the door is closed, nowhere to go but down. Jin grabs a cushion from the couch and drops to the floor in the space they've left open for him. He hopes Pi's well-stocked, because if they have the conversation he thinks they're going to have, there's no way he's getting through it sober.

Jin's gaze flicks anxiously between two of his closest friends, who both look as uncomfortable as he feels. He forces out a nervous laugh and says, "Is this an intervention?"

Yamapi employs an excuse Jin has heard many times over the course of his life from a variety of different people, including himself. "Kame told me to do it."

"You don't answer my calls, you don't write," Ryo says. "I'm starting to take it personally."

"Sorry." Jin shrugs, keeping it casual for as long as he can. "I've been kind of busy."

"And the other night at Lex, you were busy then too?"

"I wasn't feeling great - too much to drink. You know how it is."

Ryo snorts. "Yeah, I know exactly how it is. I know what you're like when you've had too much and you were barely tipsy. Now cough it up or I start writing you messages in _Wink Up_ again."

"You're not helping!" Yamapi gives Jin an apologetic smile. "Kame didn't really say anything about how we were supposed to do this, but I don't think he meant it to include threats."

"It's not a threat, it's a promise." Ryo dunks a chip in the sour cream. "And if Kame's so wise maybe he should be here. The way he talks, at least I might get some answers out of him."

"I'm...I'm supposed to be doing this myself." Jin downs half his drink in one go, wishing it were something stronger so he could sail through this on auto-pilot and wake up to find everyone enlightened and happy. "I'm supposed to tell...um..."

"I'm not an idiot, Jin." Ryo's expression softens. "You ran out on me because I asked you about wearing women's clothing and liking it. You do realise I'm in Kanjani8, right? Yasu's got more skirts in his wardrobe than my mother, and he's not the only one. It doesn't matter, okay?"

It's the same situation all over again: the truth, but not all of it. Jin can't leave it at this. Better to do it all at once, like ripping off a plaster. "There's...uh...a bit more to it than that."

"You and Subaru can exchange nail polish tips or something, I don't care. You in a dress, though..." Ryo leans back, takes a good long look at Jin, considering the possibilities. "Nah. You'd be fifteen out of a hundred, at best. I'm not being seen with you in public unless you can get yourself up to at least eighty."

Jin momentarily forgets to be apprehensive; he's too busy being indignant. "Thanks for the support!"

"Maybe, _maybe_ seventy-five, but that's my best offer."

"And maybe if you can get yourself up to being seventy-five percent human, I'll let you be seen with me in public," Jin says sweetly.

Yamapi looks like he wants to tip his beer over both their heads. "Behave or I'm taking away the tortillas."

Both Jin and Ryo grab a pre-emptive handful and for a second there, it looks like a fight is going to break out over the salsa. Yamapi solves the problem by stealing it himself, earning dirty looks from the other two. It's a normal, stupid squabble between friends, one of thousands, moronic yet comforting.

The comfort is short-lived. "Pi, can I talk to you alone for a sec?" Jin asks.

"You said it to me; you can say it to Ryo," Yamapi says. "It'll be okay."

"And it almost killed me saying it to you." Jin nibbles the edge of a chip, not really tasting it. "This stuff doesn't get any easier."

"If you guys are trying to make me hop up and down with frustration, you're out of luck." Ryo stretches his arms over his head. "No energy. Spill it, Akanishi. You know you can't keep a secret."

"I kept this one for a long time." Sometimes Jin regrets telling anyone at all. Then he wouldn't have to keep doing this. "It's...it's not just the clothes, all right? I mean, I do like wearing that stuff - sometimes - but I don't need it to feel like...uh..."

"A girl," Yamapi adds, trying to help.

Jin nods. "Yeah. Like a girl." There, he's said it, and if Ryo would just say something maybe his heart could slow down from its current pace of a million miles a second.

"You? A girl?" Ryo runs his hands through his hair, completely ignoring the spice flecks he's weaving in. "You're what, like Haruna Ai?"

The name sends a shiver down Jin's spine. Ai-chan likes to tease, and for some reason she thinks he makes an excellent target. "Not like that. Not like that at all. I don't want surgery."

"What _do_ you want?"

"I don't know!"

"Then how do you know? Jin, you might be the least manly person in the room right now but you're a guy. What makes you think you're not?"

Ryo's not yelling at him, sounds confused rather than angry, and Jin can understand that, but it still hurts a little bit because he has no idea how this is going to turn out and he's desperate to avoid driving his friends away. He needs people, always has done.

"I am, but..." He freezes up, holding himself completely still. If he doesn't move, he doesn't have to speak. They can just stay like that until they all fall asleep, and in the morning everything will be better.

"Jin?" That's Yamapi at his elbow. Jin can't see; keeps his eyes fixed on the floor. "Jin?"

Ryo says something Jin can't catch, and then Yamapi gently shakes his arm and asks if he wants some water.

Jin unfreezes long enough to nod, amazed when the tiny movement doesn't shatter him into pieces. He blinks when Ryo shoves a bottle of Evian under his nose, then mumbles his thanks. A couple of sips of cold, clear water help to ground him. He holds the bottle against first one burning cheek then the other; this is one situation where blushing like a schoolgirl is really not going to do him any favours.

"Stop tuning us out, idiot," Ryo says roughly, though there's affection behind the words. "How am I supposed to get it if you don't?"

"Right." Jin gives himself a mental shake. Damnit, he's not trying to explain himself to the press, or to his manager, or even to Johnny. He's talking to a friend, someone who cares enough about him to want to understand. They've been through plenty of rough times together before. This is simply the next one on the list. "It's not that I'm not a guy. I mean, it's not like I've got the wrong parts. I guess...I don't know, maybe my hormones are all mixed up or something. It's kind of...awkward for me to look into."

"You haven't been to a doctor, right?" Yamapi says.

"I'm not going to a doctor. Can you imagine if the news got out?"

"Go to one in America? Your English is good enough to discuss this, isn't it?"

It's sweet how Yamapi's trying so hard to make this sound like a medical issue, one Jin can't help having but could potentially make go away with male hormone injections, but it's not going to help. "I'm not seeing a doctor," he says stubbornly. "I'm not going to find myself a therapist, either. I have a hard enough time talking to Kame about all this - I don't think I can tell a total stranger I spend half my time feeling like one of the girls."

"Half your time?" Of course Ryo latches onto the wrong bit.

"Figure of speech," Jin says. "Sometimes I won't feel any different for weeks, and other times I just wake up in the morning and I _know_. I don't have a set routine."

Ryo gets himself another beer, because of course he knows his way around too. "And know _what_ , exactly? That you're going to get up wanting to bake cookies and pick flowers?"

"I only see flowers when people send them to me at the theatre," Jin says, opting not to mention those he received from Kame on his birthday. "And unless you all want to be poisoned, I think it's safest if I leave the baking to Kame."

Ryo snickers. "Maybe you're mixing yourself up with him. That, I could understand."

"Kame's not...Kame's not like that. Not like me. But he understands." Jin sighs. "I used to think I was going crazy. He helped me see that I wasn't. Maybe it seems that way to you, though."

"I don't think you're crazy...but I do think this means the two of us can never watch porn together again."

"I'm heartbroken," Jin says, deadpan.

"I'm curious about that." Yamapi picks the worst moment to stick his oar in. "Do you still watch? Or does it offend your girly sensibilities?"

Jin hasn't given it much thought. "Not really. Not that I'm offended or anything but my interest's at an all-time low at the moment. Too much else going on in my brain."

"If you need your brain to be involved you're obviously watching the wrong kind of porn," Ryo says. "So what _is_ going on in there?" He taps Jin on the forehead. "What does it feel like?"

"Weird. It's like everyone's seeing me through these glasses, and I'm screaming at them to take the glasses off and see the real me but they won't." Kame's wearing glasses too, Jin thinks, but they're not the same ones everyone else is wearing. For one thing, they probably cost three times as much. "I end up putting on lipstick and staring at myself in the mirror for hours. I buy cute clothes and jewellery to make myself look pretty, less...awkward."

"You're prettier than a lot of real girls without doing anything," Ryo says. "Why bother? And if you ever repeat that to anyone I'll kill you."

"I bother because it makes me feel more like my inside and my outside match. You treat girls and guys differently, don't you? And normally, you can tell by the way they look."

"Not so much in our line of work," Yamapi mutters, and the others have to agree.

"So," Jin continues, "if I look more like a girl on the outside..."

Ryo's jaw drops. "You actually want people to treat you more like a girl? Not that anyone's going to mistake you for one. Not in Japan."

"I know that!" Being in the entertainment industry certainly has its drawbacks - pursuit of anonymity is futile. But then, Jin's not sure if he'd ever have started walking this path, had he not been an idol. "I like it, okay?"

"Am I supposed to get you flowers now?"

"Are you dating me?"

"No!"

"Then you don't have to get me flowers. What is it with you and this flower obsession?"

"He just had to send a dozen bouquets to that girl he upset last week," Yamapi explains. "I think he's got a points card now."

The look Ryo shoots him could wither the contents of an entire florist's shop. "Fine, no flowers. And no cuddling, or pyjama parties, or giving each other manicures, or whatever else girls do together."

"Like I'd want to cuddle _you_ ," Jin says. "I thought we'd established that I'm not crazy?"

"You'd crush me if you did - or you will if you don't stay away from the tortillas."

Ryo's made many digs at his size in the past, and sometimes they've been justified, but Jin's carrying little in the way of weight at the moment and the slight hurts. He's worried about it a lot before, especially in 2007, when he returned from LA with what would've been a healthy figure in America but gave his bosses in Japan a fit. The other members had tried to assure him that it was fine, that it was good to be a normal weight for a change, but he hadn't been able to relax till he'd shed the excess again.

He pushes the bowl closer to Yamapi's side of the table. The snacks have been ruined for him. Yamapi shrugs and takes a handful.

The movement's not lost on Ryo. "I didn't mean that! You're picking _now_ to take me seriously?"

Jin shrugs. "Not hungry. Nothing to do with you."

"I'm going to have to watch every word I say around you." Ryo groans. "I might as well take a vow of silence!"

Yamapi raises a hand. "In favour!"

"You don't get a vote," Ryo says. "On anything. Ever."

"Then you don't get ice cream. Jin and I are going to eat the whole tub by ourselves."

"I'll pass on the ice cream." Jin rubs his stomach. "No room."

"Can you just forget I said anything?" Ryo says. "Even if you don't want the ice cream, I do."

Nobody eats the ice cream, in the end, because none of them can be bothered to get up and fetch it. It would probably do Jin good but he can't bring himself to eat it now, so he settles for cooling himself down with the water instead. Even though he's wearing a loose T-shirt he feels warm from the embarrassment that refuses to fade away, not completely comfortable yet. He's not sure how to interpret Ryo's reaction. Mostly, he seems exasperated.

That's better than hostile. Jin will take it.

"Are we...okay?" he asks cautiously.

Ryo sighs. "I'm not getting this, sorry. I have no idea what you're feeling or why you're feeling it, and I don't know what I'm supposed to say. Clothing, I understand. Kinks, I understand. But this..."

Jin's heart sinks to somewhere near his ankles. "That's...that's fine. I don't know what I was expecting when I came here." He begins to lever himself up from the cushion, but Ryo grabs his arm and pulls him back down.

"Don't be such a drama queen. Yeah, I don't get it, but that doesn't mean I'm not going to try. What am I supposed to do, just stop being your friend all of a sudden?"

"That's an option?"

"It's not an option," Ryo says firmly. "Somebody's got to make sure you don't do anything stupid. Well, more stupid than usual, anyway."

Yamapi flashes them a thumbs up. "I knew this would turn out okay!"

"Sure you did." Ryo smirks at him. "So that's why you've been clutching your phone like a life preserver, ready to call Kame at a moment's notice."

"Nothing wrong with being prepared," Yamapi says. "And now I can call him and say everything's all right. It _is_ all right, isn't it, Jin?"

Jin can allow relief to wash over him now. His heart rises back up to its normal resting place so rapidly that it leaves him feeling lightheaded, almost giddy. "Yeah. I think so."

"You're not going to start going out with us in a dress, are you?" Ryo asks.

Remembering his one and only experience going out on the town in a dress, Jin can't help but laugh. "Definitely not. I wasn't planning on doing anything different - much. All we can do is see how things go."

"Okay. Good." Ryo sounds relieved too. "Because it's definitely going to take me some time to get my head around this one."

"Sorry."

"And I do _not_ want to hear all the gruesome details about how it feels to be a girl."

Jin's still laughing. "Okay."

Ryo smiles back at him, no smirking this time. This is the kind, slightly goofy smile of the friend who always has Jin's back when the press are on his case, who tells audiences that Jin is very shy and that they should go up to him and be friendly. "Ignore everything I've been saying. Do whatever you need to, whatever makes you happy. I'll deal with it. I'll help _you_ deal with it, if I can."

"This is very moving." Yamapi pretends to wipe away tears. "A touching example of male friendship."

"You're a pair of saps," Jin says, retrieving his abandoned beer to clink against Yamapi's.

"I count three saps." Ryo adds his own bottle to the mix. "To manly bonding."

Or something like it.


End file.
